Bob Woodruff and Eric Haseltine

Good afternoon, this is the continuation of the session - the brain and you. I am Bill Haseltine of the William A. Haseltine Foundation for foundation the sponsor in this series. There will be two more sessions tomorrow for those of you who are interested. A couple of words about today and then I will mention it tomorrow briefly. Today you are going to be fortunate to have a real sharing of brains. You are going to peer deeply into the two individual's brains who are on the podium. I say this is a real mind meld. Tomorrow in the morning, if you are interested in the dark sequence of your own brain show up for breakfast that the Coke pavilion and the one of the rooms there, and you will be able to see some surprising and interesting facts about how your own brain works. There will be a workshop where you will be participating. And you will learn as my brother Eric tells me some dark secrets of yourself. And then at 11'O clock we finish with the a session on what makes you unique, studies of the brain and personality and have some of the things we have been talking about some of those of you have followed the sessions earlier today about how we know your own brain functions to create a personality a character and a personality. But today we are extremely fortunate to have Bob Woodruff here. I met him on a plane, on a shuttle, sometimes you are lucky, sometimes you are not. I was very fortunate on that particular shuttle fight and it was delayed, as it usually is and we had a nice long time to chat. I was in the process of planning this with my brother Eric. And he kindly offered to participate and not only participate, but share in a very deep way some of the experiences you can't get deeper I think of the sharing that he will have with you today and I think all of us are very fortunate. First of all that he has survived, he is in wonderful shape. He is willing to speak about it to you and he is doing an enormous amount to help our soldiers who have been injured and others with brain damage survive and thrive as he has done. I recommend to you his book which will he will be happy to sign. He is going up afterwards to the Pepke book pavilion. And so you can get copies for signature 'In An Instant' that he has written with his wife. So it's a great pleasure to introduce this panel, Eric Haseltine and Bob Woodruff. I just wanted to give you some context for the discussion this afternoon. This session is on consciousness. And we neuroscientists study this probably, most interesting question in neuroscience how does the brain create consciousness, in lots of different ways. We look at the physiology of the brain as some of you saw this morning. We look at behavior, we looked at introspection. But perhaps the most powerful tool so far in understanding how the brain creates consciousness is an understanding people who have had brain damage. Because it's taking away a slice here piece there that tells us if you do something here this aspect of consciousness is changed and if you do it there a different aspect of consciousness is changed. And over many different patients we have been able to start reconstructing just how it is the brain does what it does. And so that is why we were incredibly thrilled and really honored by the courage of this individual who is going to share some experiences. And I think that the over arching point we want to make here is that a lot of times when you go to lectures on science, you hear about things someone else has done in a laboratory. What we are going to do here today is laboratory is here. It's going to be Bob, it's going to be me and fasten your seatbelts, its going to be you. Because we are going to help you catch your brain doing what it does in ways that might shock you. So hang on to your seats and I am going to turn it over to Bob. Well I have to say, first of all just you know, thank you just for you to having me at all because I think this was I don't know nine, ten months ago, there was not a chance and hell, I could have sat up here and actually speak English language to you, because this has changed significantly. Let's just go back because you have probably have seen some of this on various places on TV for the last year. But back in the very end of 2005, the choice of ABC was to make me an - Elizabeth Vargas is the co- anchor of the news and at last as you know about effectively 27 full days before something happen. Now one of the things is one of parts of the job, I never really wanted to be an anchor at all when I got into this business but this was the chance for at least for two of us so that there were times, that I was not going to be trapped inside the stage - the studio. And I can still go out to stories and one of ones, one of the first ones we did, well I had these jobs and agree was to go over to Iraq and to go with forth infantry division and to see exactly how they will do this in trying to pass over some of the power of the military army over to - of the US to pass over to the military military to see how they were doing. That's that a State of the Union was happening there, so Elizabeth went over to State of Union to report from there and I was over there to say exactly what was happening. This was the first time in about a year and half that I have been over to Iraq, I had been in Iraq a total of seven times, the first two times with - when Saddam was in power and then five more times after that, this was the fifth time that I was back since the war began including the invasion in 2003 which was with marine. So this is now going back to the army because all the other times between that I had been back and really dealt with the basic regular Iraqis because really from that time, from the beginning of 2003 to the middle of 2004, we were able to actually wander around the city - the country of Iraq, we could go and check in to hotels, go to hospitals, talk to people on the street, for me traveling all the way from Baghdad down to Basra on the south was possible to do. But things had significantly been changing. So we went to a place called Taji which is about 12 miles north of Baghdad. When we got into a tank, to say exactly you know what was happening and as when we were actually traveling along in in that tank. That - actually right about where you are sitting right there was one was IED exploded, - I still to this day don't remember a feeling any of everything that had happened there, but it exploded where you are and I was here in the tank and my camera man Doughwald was right in front of me and just to the right and that one right to all these rocks and metal came through here and destroyed a lot part of my - left part of my body, it actually shattered the shoulder back here, cut open that - that skin, a lot of these rocks went into my jaw and my neck and it was it was really almost hard for me to remember because what happened was because air comes out in advance of this IED which is a 155 millimeter. When the rocks finally follow behind the burst of the air, I was already out and unconscious for about a minute. And then I fell in down into the tank and it was at that moment that I don't know how they did it but I looked up and I saw Doughwald, my camera man and I saw Dhani Mahathir my producer and I saw some blood coming down Dough's face and saw that I was still alive and they looked, yes we are still alive. And I think I said a couple of things like, let's go kick their ass or something about these guys attacked us. But I only much really remember very about it. But for the next 15 minutes or so there was a gun fire that broke out. It closed down, they opened the back of this tank they were in, got us in a vehicle, got us about a mile down the road and at that spot was where a helicopter came in, with two pilots in it. To take us up and takes us off to Baghdad and then to up to Balaad. All within about 37 minutes, they got me to place in Balaad where they then removed this part of my skull about 12 centimeters of my skull, or may be 14 centimeters I can't remember. That allows my brain to then expand. So I think what happened, because it was relatively quick, I think my ability of my brain to recover, I think is a lot better than had I been in the United States at that moment and there was an IED that hit me, the kind of decision to quickly cut off the skull, the way that they did was really a huge savior for my head. It could been it could have taken may be multiple hours may be even a day, may be even not have been done if it happened in the United States, so this is one aspect of what's happening within the in the war right now is that doctors have been absolutely remarkable. When I did wake up about 36 days - 36 days after I returned to Bethesidas naval medical center, which I made there in about 72 hours and I am still, in a coma. And I go on a 6C17 back to Bethesda and for the next 36 days, I was in a coma. My family had no idea what of had happen to me, they had no idea if I would wakeup, they had no idea if I would not be able to think, whether I would be able to see, whether or not I would be able to think or speak as it was almost impossible to really tell, anything could have happen. So imagine during all that time, my wife, my brothers, my wife's sisters, parents, my parents, my friends, neighborhoods, neighbor friends all came to the hospital to stand with me and there is moments everyday that my wife would come into the house and she was just, they would rub my feet hopping that I would eventually wakeup. And there was at that one moment where I finally did wakeup after 36 days as waiting for her to come into the into the hospital room and I looked up and she walked into the house - into the hospital and I looked up after waiting for three hours because it was 4 o'clock in the morning when I woke up and - and I looked up at her and said 'hey honey where have you been?'. But anyway that moment I couldn't rename names of just about anything. I have five or four kids I have got Mack, Katherine, Nora and Clara, I know their name perfectly now but that time not only did I not really remember of my - the names of my two younger my twin girls who were seven, at that time were just just barely almost six, I couldn't remember not only the names but really quite recognize who they were. I couldn't remember the names of half of my brothers. I called them all David, who was my oldest brother. But mike and Jim didn't have a name anymore. I couldn't remember any of the states, names of the states in this country. I couldn't remember the names of any countries in this world. All of these things I did not know anything about, when I woke up. But it's now been, I think it's been over a year now. It was actually last March 6th of 2006 that I woke up, so it's getting close on a total one and a half years really since I woke up. So this have been like a set of huge change. But I just want to show you some video that I have got generally of what I went through. Firstly you are going to see how I was able to speak when I was on television, when I was an anchor, even before I was anchor I am just telling how normal without forgetting words and what it changed to, and what I went through. So we can go ahead and ride this what do you call it? -Run the video? Yes run. Take a look at the very beginning, you just at least just to see This is downtown Gaza, you can see fully immersed in electoral politics. We are just outside the shrine of Imam Ali and Najaf, one of the holiest sites in Shiite Islam. Good evening from Jerusalem where there is an enormous cloud of uncertainty hang over this holy city and this region tonight. So the next thing you are going to see is just what what the rocks look like for example when they hit my head and it came all on the left side of my brain and you can see basically all the rocks on the left side over there. Those are the ones that stuck into the side, my helmet actually protected just some entering my head but you can see the cut out off the skull at the top has the 14milimeters - centimeters rather of the of that, and these rocks came in, one of them dig again to my scapula down here and this was the side of my - my head. This is the scans of what was happening back then and that's essentially what it was and that's that the rocks had actually went it were still outside the area were this was removed. This rock down there that you see went all the way through my neck and some how or some kind of miracle you could feel good that they went all the way through my neck, all the way to the other side and stopped 1mm short on the artery on the other side. If that had gone through there, it absolutely would have changed- Six years ago when I woke up after 33 years No days it, six days ago you woke up. Really I am I am so feeling is that I got really ---- today. {Really on what?} Getting the -------- doing. {Well really you are tired, you are tired.} {So that's now the doctor say that's where it's going to go. Some days you are going to be real energetic and then you get tired.} So here is where I had to learn all of the new words. These were words everybody knows what they are. Look hammer H-A-M-A-R - hammer H-A-M-O-R. H-A-M-M-E-R hammer. Someone has to go away from them the double background and this is going to have to go on. That was the first time I my kids. Well that Walt Disney hat was not because I work for Walt Disney, because I don't know how it happened. But it did. But then I had learn how - new words and what you are going to see here is some of the first things that I did, I actually told my brother I want to I got this amazing sentence and I want to write this whole thing as the truth and I sat down on the room on the floor and I wrote this. And I still to they date don't exactly what it is? Some thing about love and tempest. These are the - the first time that I have written one night this was going to be the long story. This is going to be about three hours that I wrote there and that's what I came up with. These are some of the names of the doctors. Now my writing is actually quite clear and this is what it look like. And after a few days after I woke up, that's me trying to write down the names of my doctors. And this is the test my first rehabilitation test, where they could connect a alphabet and the numbers together. It took me seven and a half minutes to fill - put this together. About five days long - later I was down to three minutes and twelve seconds to complete that. I think now it's about thirty seconds that I can do that. So that's basically what happened to me in that time leading up to the end of me recovering. You know I have seen - you know I have seen a lot of MRIs that have been taken of my brain, they have done some CT scans, I went by and I had talked to some that talked to some that had just seen with fMRIs, but it seems to me there is really not that much known generally about what's happened to my brain? I mean I love to put these things together some time if I will get a chance to do more of a scan of exactly what's happening in my brain and what happened to it and how it was different? But it's been explained to me by lot of people that what happened to you in terms of your inability to remember words which I still do to this day. I can think of so many names. Some one said to me that what it really looks like is that you - if you own an office - an office a company and you are in an office and you have got a big file on a cabinet. And what's happens during this explosion is that out of your files - the papers all flew out of the window and went down and landed on the street out side. So now the job for you is to get out of the office and get down there and gather up these papers again and go and put them back into the file. But what I tell them is that there is something different about this, about what happens to you when you loose your ability with these words is that some of those papers for some strange reason are actually flying off the road up into the window and back into the file. You don't have to bring them all. But some of them some how are connecting back together. I still don't know to this very day why after having not known all the words of the States that I couldn't name a single one suddenly they would just start coming back. I was not re-studying the names of all of these states. But they just popped back into my head. So those are the ones that are flying automatically off from the floor back up into the window automatically into that. Which ones you have to restudy? Rememorize to try to get some of these words it's significantly different. Because you know because I was hit in this side of my head what doctors have explained to me is that I lost my language. This is the language side for me. If I have been hit on this side there would have been more in terms of my physical problems. That I may have been limping, may be my arms, my legs not be working properly or also my vision. My vision I wouldn't be able to reach out to you and figure out how far away you are. That's what happened to a lot of others to get hit largely on the right side. Where exactly it hit my head is that this is the part right here that's still missing that's now been replaced by the piece of plastic. And you know so this you see the language is a big problem now how it is that some of these words I remember like I remember that I couldn't remember the head of England. I couldn't remember Tony Blair. So even to this day, Hillary Clinton, sometimes I couldn't remember her name; it was Hillary, it was very confusing to me. But some reason I could always remember Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Now why that one, I still really to this day I have no idea. There is a story too that my wife tells a lot of people, which is during those weeks and months after I woke up that I would try to remember and communicate things to her. And there was one for example, I know that the there was a problem with the phone at our house and I couldn't figure out how to call the company that was dealing with our phone, there on the phone. And it's actually the Verizon that I needed to call and I said to her, I need to get to that Viagra. And then there was also this time where I went my back to Michigan to visit some friends of mine from high school and I got to be together with one of my good friends and she had gotten you know larger boobs medically, she had them enlarged. And to my wife I came back to Lee and I said I said, yeah this friend of mine I think she has got exploding breasts. So you know this morning we heard from it was Jeff Rosen, right. See that is another name sometimes I forget. Jeff Rosen is a great lawyer and he is talking about how they are going to use not only just determine whether somebody has committed a crime or should be imprisoned, that may be should be based on their action, not on their thoughts inside their brain, are they going to be actually should be going to prison because of what they think, may be could measure inside the brain to what we are talking about should they go to prison. Well, at this point may be you know, they just raise the about Viagra and exploding breasts, may be I will be arrested for perversion. But any way so I have been getting through this very slowly and I am you know, I have had so many times where I have met with people who have seen me speaking and you can see the difference between the way I used to speak, I mean I was kind of relatively natural but there are sometimes when I talk to you about there, some words that will pop up and people some times say to me, you know you seem you seem ok, you seem normal to me. And it's very frustrating to me because there are certain ways that I fake through things and changed it. But what I explain to them is there are moments when people come back from the war and they had been injured, and let's just say that they have lost two fingers for example. And people look at you and you say I have been I have been hurt, I am in terrible position, I have been injured. And then people will look at the soldiers and they will say, but you just lost two fingers, what's wrong with that. And what if he had explained to them instead, but I was a pianist. Then is that different than what it were before. You know my job as an anchor certainly was to use language; you know I had to be relatively smooth. I had to be able to come up with things fast and go live. So my ability to you know, get this through, this has changed significantly. What I think is that at the one way that I may just fake some things, like even the so you may still see me scatter a little bit, but with lot of words I think what you all have is synonyms of a lot of different words. Let's take a simplistic example which is, if you look out and see the street, you also have other words for it like road, highway, and you know, you probably have some others. Now the very beginning after I woke up after this coma I could not even remember a single name for street, let alone road or anything else. But as I went further I was able to remember a lot of words, but not many words. So I don't have the synonyms anymore of other types of words, complicated words that you have and certainly when you guys speak. But I am able to speak and find words now that I do without you know, without worrying about the other synonyms. But with words though with names, that's why it's a still huge problem for me, is because all of you only have one name. So if I don't know a name then I can't really talk about that person. If I am gone to if I am going to cover for example, a campaign, I may have to know all of those people running for the President. And those names keeps slipping out, may be like Hillary Clinton's name, that slips out again, I have got it somehow go live about reporting on some body like that and I can I can talk about presidents, I can talk about what I am I going to say, well that's well that said there was a President guy Bill, who was a President too and his wife and she is running now. You know I can't do a report like that. It has got to be a lot clearer than that. Yeah so I just think that's something I just have to get through slowly. Now one of the things that I am also doing is since I was hit on this side like I explained before, I have been told many times that because this is language on this side, that there is probably some kind of damage to part the of my brain where I know the English language, that's the one that's been damaged. Now what they say is that up to age six say you can teach your children a new language up until age six, they will be able to develop that in the same part of the brain were they would have learned on the natural language of English if they live here in this country. But if then after six, like when I studied Chinese and I studied French and I studied German much later, that's in a different part of my brain. So there is always a translation that goes between the one where your English language is or may be if you have learned another one, to those. So may be this is different part of the brain. So one of the things that I would like to do is I want to restudy Chinese for example, to see if I got lost so much of it because I lived there 18 years ago, that was the last time I lived in Beijing, and really use the language I used a few times here and thereby lost a lot because of these explosion. If I tried to study it again will my improvement of Chinese for example, say if I can say the right word. Chinese, will that actually work along better than my improvement of my English because it is at different part of the brain, because we still don't have the ability really right now to to scan the exact spot I think, as much as I know about this. To actually fix or figure out exactly which part of the brain we can actually improve this. I want to study that because there are different parts of the brain that I still don't understand. I have talked to doctors that have dealt with fMRI's and they say this is learning generally about what that does for the brain. They are probably still 20 years away before they really understand exactly what's happening in it. One of the things I also want to talk to, because I do want to answer some questions from you as well, but you know one of the things we have been working on, my wife and I especially and my brothers too, is to try to get some more rehabilitation cognitive rehabilitation for so many of the others that have gone through this kind of traumatic brain injury that I have gotten. It's a very strange position that I am in now because having gone through that I have to explain this a lot more, I mean I can't really hide, I have to go public about this, I have to talk everything that I have gone through. But one of the main reasons I wanted to do that is because I think we just need to learn a lot more about traumatic brain injury and what we can do to possibly fix things. And one of the aspects that I learned from the very beginning when we came back that even though in the beginning of the situation when I was getting help from the military in terms of the doctors we talked about, the life the things that we saved, the quickness they got me back and my skull of was really wonderful. But eventually for a lot of these guys, these soldiers and marines, they come back and have also TBI and especially those that are not necessarily recognized as having had a traumatic brain injury because they haven't lost a part of their skull, because they need to have the ability to go anywhere near their house when they finally go back to their home, to find a hospital, if it's a VA and it really knows what it's doing, okay. But if the VA does not know about of traumatic brain injury and what to do, that shouldn't be the one that the soldiers and the marines should be forced to go to. They should be the going to the other hospitals. They might knew there where they have got doctors and OT and PT and everything else who works with this better than anybody else, because it doesn't seem to make sense to me. You know we have this country about 1.5 million a year that get some kind of traumatic brain injury. And this is not from the war. This is not from an IED, this is from getting a car crash, this is getting a baseball bat hit in your head or some kind of criminal actually tackles you and throws you on the ground or whatever what happens to you. And about 1.5 million a year got to help for TBI. That means they are going to local hospitals. So why not get a private insurance for those that come back from the war to get the best one, near their house, where they are near their children, their family, to get that help. Not necessarily traveling around a country to the one or two or three or four places that VA, they can actually do this. This seems to be one very logical to me. Yeah because we have so many now that are coming from this with this kind of injury that I have got. And we know so little about the brain, we need to help so many more in this war than any other war before, because in for example, in Vietnam you had about 57,000 soldiers and marines that were killed in that war. Now you are up to about 3500 in this one which is significantly fewer, but back in Vietnam it was 2.7 to one in terms of those who survived, injured verses those who died. Now it's at least 16 to one in terms of injured verses those who passed away. So now you have got this issue, what is coming back now to our country. I think some thought for a long time with just those who had their arms cut off and legs cut off and those are the ones who are injured and that was the vision. There seems to be so many people on the country before this news about traumatic brain injury and PTSD arose, as is assumed that is probably what the people are getting. But the fact is there are so many that are getting TBI. We believe that between 10 and 30 percent of those of who have been in the war between Iraq and Afghanistan is about 1.5 million. There for about a 150,000, least 10 percent of those have some kind of traumatic brain injury. And even though the government has really only recognized or said that they only know about 1875. When our number really more looks like a 150,000. So to me living about brain, being at a place like this to learn from the smartest people that I think I have ever met in my life, that to try to figure out what to do about the brain. There are a lot of questions to be asked. What can we do, can we figure out inside the brain whether you are guilty of a crime? That's another question. But in terms about what you do try to fix the brain or to figure out exactly what you have got when you are asleep and your eyes don't open and then after about three weeks the eye opens and you still can't associate if that person is thinking, we got a way to figure out exactly inside that brain, are they are thinking? And when I wake up and I am able to speak, can my wife get some kind of scan that will show you know what, in 15 months he will be fine. Or you know what it will take a year, a lifetime of change for you and you got to figure out a new way to do it. There are so many things to learn about the brain and especially for those that have gone and served in this war because, if you look at Vietnam we have 12 million Americans served in the war. Now only 1.5 million have served in this war. Probably most of the people in this room don't even know them or know many of them. I know tonnes of them now but I didn't know many before. And that's one eighth as many that served in Vietnam. So we owe and now they are going back multiple times, maybe fourth or fifth time already. We owe something for them to figure what's going on in those brains because people need it even if it's some kind of PTSD problem - PTSD or some kind of a TBI. I think a lot needs to be owed and it's really great to talk to you about it. I don't want to you know speak a little bit too much but I just want to thank you all and there is a lot of work to be done on this, both scientifically and politically. And but let me just say that first though, because with this issue certainly with the one that are in the war this is such a non political question. So this is one of those ones that we have done where it's absolutely not that at all. It's about doing some thing for the people in our country that they have done this for us. And more it needs to be done. So teach me about brains and it's your turn. I am going to ask Bob a few questions that will help us understand consciousness better based on his experience and then I will turn it over to the audience to ask questions. So my first question for you is what is your interior subjective experience from the moment you first woke up to now and what do you think that tells about the brain and consciousness? Well, one thing is for sure that during the coma, I don't have any memories at all. There are only two things I remember. One of them what I explained to you, which is about seeing after this explosion when I did wake up and I became conscious again, was seeing everybody sitting in the tank and that's all that I remember. I also remember, after when I was hit I remember my body floating below me, I don't know exactly what it was but I know that my body was floating underneath me. And that was the only two things that I remember at all from them. Now when I was awoken after March 5th, I do remember my brothers coming in. I remember my wife being there and I still remember to this day for some reason, may be because I wrote about it pretty quickly after I was able to write again. I said, honey thank you for coming and whatever so. But I also tried to watch even if I tried to watch television, very simple shows, I could not really under stand exactly what was going on. What did the words sound like? A foreign language? You know in some ways, I think what would happen is if I heard a word that I did not understand, I write down, and then I stop I stop listening to the other words after that and tried to concentrate to that one to try to say it over and over and over again. What does this word mean? What does this word mean? And I know it's a word that of course I have heard I knew perfectly before. And now I just don't understand what it is? So even like when you speak something to some degree I some times have to stop for a little bit and I don't listen to the rest of the sentence. Well you are not alone in that that's most of I know. But you know what, I do say one of the jokes I say is that that I really only like to hang out with people at least 45, like me, because that's when the brain also starts to deteriorate a little bit too, so, thank you for that. So if you compare before and after the injury, we all are conscious of being conscious. It's one of the things that makes us human, that we are aware that we are aware of ourselves and it's like an infinite regress, right we aware of being aware of being aware. So if I asked you, if you looked at your own internal awareness, your subjective to state of being, is there any thing that you can say starkly separates before and after? Well, I mean the only thing I know that in terms of the change, I can't obviously you know, what I told you about, I don't have any other synonyms. For example I can't remember I know that there is multiple ways to say something and I can't say still. I am in terms of emotion, I think less afraid of negative things happening than I was before, which is kind of in some ways the opposite PTSD. I also feel less afraid to die and may be that's partly because I have kind of felt what was like to be out cold. And maybe those who have gone through this have that feeling. And my wife says that I used to be you know, at certain moments I was a real jerk and I am no longer at all any more. And so my last question is whatever it meant for you to feel like what Bobness was? Bobness that we all have a sense of ourselves and what we are. Did that change in any way; do you feel like a different person? Well I mean there are there are also moments I have to say that, probably once a month there is a kind of depression that kind of kicks in that but my wife does claim that I had that before, like if I was back from a story that I have been away for two weeks and it's this is amazing story that we are doing for journalism, and suddenly there was nothing really breaking out and I was kind of sitting around home like this, you know, I love my kids, I love my family, I really wanted to work, sometime I have been depressed then, so that just was happening again. But the Bob change, I don't know, it's a good question. I think that's some thing we will see more and more as we go forward. But I think the other thing to do and when you think about what's happening to lot of ones in the war that have comeback with a simpler problem, with TBI, there are lot of these guys who are 19,20, 21 years old. And they have either they just gotten out of high school or may be there is someone who have more training and they have been in college or something. And this has happened to them and then they have to think about their life now, what am I gone to do now. I have this inability on so many things now. They don't have in their past, like you and I have had, about having accomplished what we done and had certain things at - our life that was good, and that makes it a little bit more comfortable. So I kind of feel I am filled with guilt, no question about it. About some of the aspects of what has happened with me. I feel guilt about what I put my family through, my kids and my wife and my family, my brothers, my neighbors. And also I feel guilt of what has happened to others because so many that have come back from war now that I met so many of them now, and visit so many some that have done better than me but so many of them have done worse. And if they had some of those don't have a really close wife, a really close family, a company that continues to pay your salary. They have to then be out their own to figure what they are going to do next, and to me I feel you know, if there is anything that we can do to change that, there's part of me that's changed now, it's my kind of charity life is now, one of the things that I spend so much time is not only to writing going out and signing the book, those took a lot of time, but going back to journalism now which is just something I am spending tonnes of time on now. And I can't wait getting on the road, but also doing this foundation that we started, to try to help to raise some money and some more attention to those that are are going this kind of thing. Not only just because of the war but because of the inability to know so much about the brain, traumatic brain injuries especially. So that has taken up a lot of time.